for some reason i am left feeling like im not good enough again.  i really dont know why, but it really sucks…i just want to take that chance, live in the moment, and do what my heart wants,not what my mind tells me to do.  i want to feel the rush. the immense energy from success.  but i do not believe i can succeed again….

its too good to be true, a person that is a busy as me but still talks.  someone that is smart, attractive, and fun.  yet i dont feel like i can be good enough.  im just this big guy that is seen as the person who is always there when you need it.  but how can i be more?  not someone they love ro anything, but someone they may be interested in as more than a friend…i just dont see it happening.

i really think i am scared.  i dont want a repeat of last time. this one seems different. like race isnt a big deal. but who i am is.  and i dont know how to not be just a friend.  im very confused and i want to try, but what if i swing and miss?  i dont wanna do that again.  is there any safe way, or do i just need to try?

i just am scared to get hurt again.

Random: I did better in school when I stopped paying attention or trying not cool

so yesterday, i ended up getting myself a lady. it took a bit of work but hey im glad :]

summary:
so i asked her to go for a walk after she ate lunch so i could talk to her about some of the things that had been bothering me in the last few days.  i had sent an email over the weekend and she had not been able to reply yet so i felt like a walk would work to get some time to answer stuff. so i pulled out the ipod and had her read the email again so she could answer the stuff. we talked about how things are with her friends and if they are really not cool with me being around and i dunno. then we stopped under some trees and she brought up the other part of the email. the part where i told her i did not know how she felt about me still. and what was going on between us. after making me reword every question she said that this could “possibly” go somewhere and that we are doing “ok” lol. so i was pretty scared to actually ask how she feels at this point. so it took a while of walking and i eventually asked if she likes me back. and she showed me on her phone that “i think i like you too” and i made a joke that i ‘know’ that i like her and she only thinks? haha. so then im in a situation. its a good day and i know that she likes me too. and so i walked her to her class and we were outside and i finally just after much deliberation said “pretty girl, would you like to be my lady?” and i knew she would make fun of me asking lady instead of girlfriend but it scared me soo much. she saw how much i was  freaking out and then gave me a long hug and we walked to her class room door and well she then took out her phone and texted me s “yes i will be your lady (lol at the word choice)” and i kinda freaked out when i got it. then she gave me a hug and went to class. and well ya :]] i was spazzing out for the rest of the day. :]

random: its almost been a year since my last real thing kinda werid

im really considering just asking her to be mine. im afraid to do this mainly because we still havent had time to establish if the feelings are mutual and a speed to go at. deep down i have wanted to do it for quite some time. but im so scared of the rejection that it makes me not sure…i read a lot of good signs, but every time we have a chance to talk, something goes wrong and there is just a lot of drama associated with it. what do you guys think i should do? take the plunge, or wait it out a bit longer…

random: i cant study to save my life

random: v day is too close to my bday and the fact that it is on the same date makes me remember exactly what happens that day. lets see how this year goes

random: im getting back into my japanese ness its fun :]

random: midterms? who studies any way ;]